Mission Mission

You can complain about how Tacolicious on Valencia Street is ruining the flavor of the hood and gentrifying the fuck out of the place all you want, but just be grateful that we don’t have an Urban Taco Fabricator like they do in LA.

Yet.

[Via Vice]

Things you can buy for $3:

• Jimmy Buffett’s greatest hits
• This zine
• A gallon of gas, and then some, sometime soon, maybe

Enticing options indeed, but none of these things will satisfy your stomach like two quick and dirty street-style tacos from Taqueria Vallarta. The 24th Street shop may be closed for pigeon debugging, but that hasn’t stopped the neighborhood establishment from opening a fresh new squab-free spot on Mission next to the 16th Street BART, and they’re slinging tasty $1.50 taco treats like nobody’s business.

The toppings are simple, straightforward, and to the point — all you get are two tortillas, a heap of meat, and all the cilantro, onions, and salsa you care to pile on top. Shown here are the al pastor and carnitas, but if you’re feeling adventurous go for the cabeza, lengua, or crispy deep fried tripitas — they’re all tasty as hell and worth a try.

La Vallarta tacos just got a 17% price increase. That means 25 cents, non-math-dude. Up to $1.75 from $1.50.

The title of best tacos in town, in my humble opinion, goes to Taqueria la Vallarta. I have sung praises about these tacos and even admired their surrealist psychedelic mural here before. But last week I walked up to the register with a trio of meat-topped, lard-dipped tortillas and the total came to $5.25. All seven stages of grief occurred in a flash:

1. Shock – WTF? The five dollar bill in my hand can’t cover this!

2. Pain – Is this the end of an era? Has the economy finally caught up with the Mission’s last cheap meal? Is California, indeed, a failed state?

3. Anger & Bargaining – Señor, I assure you this is the first I have heard of this. This is unfair. You should have a sign up, or something. How about I skip the grilled onion, take one less radish and lime wedge, give you $5, and we call it even.

5. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness – Will this be my last taco? Maybe I need to eat more healthy. Say, I haven’t been on a date in a while. I think I have an overbearing mother.

6. The Upward Turn – Hey, looks like I have an extra quarter in my pocket that I was saving for my laundry change jar.

7. Acceptance & Hope – You know what? You guys deserve it. I have dreams about these tacos. I hope my humble contribution brings you riches, sir. ¡Viva la Vallarta!

Seriously, though. They deserve it. But, bummer.

[photo by mioi]

Brainslip paints a sobering alternate history of a Mission under the influence of LA foodstuffs. Carne asada fries are a slippery slope, my friends:

First it started with the dreaded droopy carne asada fry invasion.

Then they took pizza. How could we lose pizza? Well, we did, to a cardboard tasting menace called Dominos, which began to infiltrate the Mission block by block from 30th to Division, Guerrero to Potrero. Heroes fell one after the other – Papa Potrero, Serrano, Cybelle, and perhaps remembered most fondly- Zante.

You can take my Indian pizza from my cold, dead hand.

Next up: tacos – soon deep fried was all they tried – Baja style. No more boiled chicken, shredded pork, sauteed fish, etc.

Scared?  You should be.  It gets worse:

After a year of sensory dullification we lost the only thing that mattered: burgers. In-N-Out opened at 20th @ Valencia. A bikes only drive-thru , how could we resist? Free air, free water, valet bike parking: all so delightful.

First they came for the pizza. And I didn’t speak up because there was too much bufala.

Then they came for the taquerias.  And I didn’t speak up because there was too much pollo asado.

Such SoCalized medicine flooded the streets. Everywhere were carts, huts, & shacks – all shaped in the like of their foodstuffs. A nonstop barrage of fried chicken, chili fries, and pastrami became too much for neighborhood morale. Defeated, they gave up what mattered most, and signed over the rights to their BART tube for conversion to a freeway tunnel.

Oh dear.  Food has consequences. The Great War of the Californias indeed.

I always hit up Taqueria Vallarta after a show at Blue Six. The $1.50 taco bar is second to none. They fry up all the meats simultaneously in a loosely-partitioned circular grill that I affectionately call “Noah’s Ark”.

It’s a beautiful thing: you order with the man behind the grill, he loads up some tacos, you pay some tired guy wearing a change apron, and you pile on as much cilantro as you can handle. Hey La Taqueria: take note. $3.50 for a taco is ROBBERY.

Anyway, last time somebody told me to check out the mural while I was there. Ok, I thought, probably just another busty Aztec babe fetching a vase of water while a menacing conquistador stares on. Nope, try ill-proportioned 49ers playing football under the Golden Gate Bridge with the dolphins.

Then there’s more: the artist took it upon himself to write a rambling narrative about the parallel-universe origins of San Francisco and how bitchin’ the 49ers are. Did you know that they have the “excitement of the bear”?

Anyone know the story behind this masterpiece? Some borracho repaying his debt to the owner? Another coded message to members of the New World Order? Best explanation gets a taco on me. These are high stakes, folks.

A bold new sign from La Taqueria: “The Best Tacos & Burritos in the Whole World.”

The ENTIRE WORLD, you guys.  You would have to leave Earth to find better.

And finally, an end to The Big Burrito Battle.  Suck it, LA.  And the whole world, for that matter.

Thanks to Eric for sending in.

If someone figures out how to airlift this truck into my living room for my birthday, I’ll be the happiest man alive.

(via Sexpigeon)

11-24-07_1438, originally uploaded by Mission Mission.

For Thanksgiving, we went to Sacramento to see the fam and take part in the 20th Annual Appetite Enhancement & Fat Tire Ride. Sunday morning, we went to Jimboy’s Tacos and noticed this ingenious bit of signage while waiting in line for our box of hangover-halting grease.

For reference, the real thing looks something like this.

And since the holidays are upon us, we suggest checking out the Jimboy’s Cafe Press store.