Mission Mission

No cover! And Chris Thayer is a fucking riot! And Oldies Night kicks in right afterward!

RSVP and invite your friends!

Local humorist Jon Skulski just published a fucking trippy-ass piece of Frasier fanfic:

Fraiser 3000 is a futuristic reimagination of the popular Cheers spinoff, Fraiser.

Set in the distant year 33,000, Fraiser finds himself in a bleak dystopian future ravaged by war, disease and terminator robots.

Tired of mistreatment and abuse, the robots have turned the tables on their masters, the humans. Self-organizing at an incredible rate, the terminators have driven humanity to festering cities, deep underground. Who can help those that  long for the sun and choke on the fetid air?

Humanity’s last hope: Dr. Fraiser Crane!

Read on, please.

P.S. In all seriousness, seriously, the Frasier finale was fucking good. I hadn’t watched the show in years, but I happened to tune into the final few minutes of the series because it aired right before something else I wanted to watch, and it slayed me. Give it a try.

Hey guys, don’t forget to go to Uptown Almanac‘s locally-sourced stand-up comedy show tonight. It’s all local comics! Sure, these folks might not be interviewed on WTF in the near future, but they will probably tell more jokes that are specific to your San Franciscan sensibilities, like “what is the deal with gum on the sidewalk” and “why are people in their mid-to-late 30′s in love with Sutro tower?” Plus, bragging rights. In 10 years you can say you saw them all before they had failed sitcoms.

It’s only $7 at the door and if you’re not ready to laugh the cover includes enough free PBR to make anyone funny.

Edit: It wasn’t my intention to trash these comics or Uptown Almanac, if that’s what came across. I was making some probably poor-taste jokes about careers in stand up comedy in general (too much listening to Mark Maron). I sincerely apologize if this was taken that way. We have supported these comics and this event before and think they are great. I will be there. Needless to say, I will not be performing comedy.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow? A: Fresh Prince (thanks, Dolores Park port-a-potty graffiti!)

— Helen Tseng (@birdmeat) June 10, 2012

LOL!

This exchange:

[via KimiYuki]

As we reported back in March, Weird Fish has reopened under a new possessor known as Dante, serving up new recipes for all of the classic menu items that we had once thought to be forever lost. Pictured above is Dante’s modern, stripped-down version of the formerly beloved seitan buffalo wings, aka Buffalo Girls.

You’ll notice that these newfangled Buffalo Girls don’t hide behind coats of batter and buffalo sauce, parading as meat. In fact, they are completely naked and proud, and free of any additional spice or flavor. Though the slabs (two, to be exact) did come with a deconstructed “buffalo” dipping sauce of watery red vinegar.

Now, let’s revisit the glorious history of Weird Fish’s Buffalo Girls in the diagram below (first photo via toliveandeatinla):

Yep, better than ever.

I snapped this picture because the bound guy is wearing a kickass Deee-Lite shirt, but the sketch, “Beatbox Exorcism,” turned out to be even better than the Deee-Lite shirt. It’s a familiar exorcism story, but instead of shrieking and seizing, the possessed guy beatboxes uncontrollably — and this guy really kills it.

These guys Mission CTRL are part of the Piano Fight family of local sketch comedians, and I saw their new show “The $7 Billion IPO” last Thursday and had a lovely time, and I suggest you check it out tonight. Tonight! Last chance I think!

This troupe really excels at timeless, character-based stuff like the beatboxer, and a sketch where a group of guys are playing poker with a minotaur, but as the title suggests, there’s a bit of topical — and regional — humor in there as well. (There’s a pretty good grenade gag in one sketch, but it was kind of unnerving since I saw the show the same day we had a grenade scare about a block and a half from the theater.)

Anyway, it was all pretty good. The show takes place at Stage Werx, on Valencia near 16th. Admission is $20, which I know is steep, and I know there’s plenty of great comedy on Hulu and Netflix that costs you next to nothing — but there’s nothing like seeing it live.

City officials announced today that they were planning to repaint the Golden Gate Bridge the color gold for its 75th anniversary. Makes sense to me. Because of the name.

(“Artist” rendering.)

Photographers everywhere are charging their batteries in anticipation. Local iPhone photography enthusiast, Mark Shotson, already has his Instagram filter picked out. “I’m going with Toaster for the way that it really makes the center of the frame pop!”

In other landmark news, local rich person Larry Ellison plans to rename Sutro Tower “Ellison’s Oracle” and then tear it down to get a better view of the fog from his mansion. He also urged city officials to make sure that the new golden bridge is painted in matte, as opposed to gloss, so the sun’s reflection doesn’t confuse America’s Cup participants. City officials were nothing but happy to oblige.

[Original photo by mindwalker2076]

This is most likely a joke (or an ambitious extracurricular activity of Andrew’s), but can you imagine if it wasn’t? Have robots already begun to take over? Watch out, delivery bike squad, for it’s only a matter of time…

[file photo by me]

According to SFWeekly, late Saturday night/early Sunday morning police responded to multiple calls involving an 80-200 person bar fight near 16th and Albion. When the officers arrived on scene, within minutes, the fight was nowhere to be found. Not a trace.

[file photo by me]

Here are some possible explanations for such an occurrence:

• Ghosts – the people who were fighting were actually ghosts and they disappeared.

• Fighting Runners – people who fight as they run; everybody was running away from and/or into the fight at the same time and at the same speed such that the fight remained relatively static while moving through space.

• West Side Story Brawl – the patrons from Monk’s Kettle and the boozers from The Kilowatt exited their respective establishments at the same moment, leading to a Sharks v. Jets style face off. Just as they began snapping at each other menacingly, the coppers were called and a little kid in a newsboy’s cap ran out into the middle of the street yelling “Scatter, it’s Officer Krupke!” The two crowds quickly dispersed into cabs and alleyways.

So, one of those three things happened.

UPDATE: Somehow a plausible fourth option is being suggested in the comments: an actual fight that originated inside Gestalt, involving a man swinging a shovel at multiple people. Sounds pretty crazy. I’d get the hell out of there in a hurry too.