On Saturday Red Bull sponsored some cycling festivities downtown. I missed the race, but saw some stunt stuff, and turned down more than a few free Red Bulls.
The whole time, all I could think about was that time our friend Alex Barkett transcribed from memory a big chunk of the dialogue spoken by Red Bull’s announcers at that soapbox derby they hosted in Dolores Park a couple years back. When I got home I looked it up, found my post, but was sad to see Alex had taken his blog down, and that the masterpiece I was remembering might be lost forever.
Luckily for us, he had it stashed away somewhere, and agreed to send it over so that we might publish it here for posterity. I’m not sure if it exactly sums up this past weekend’s events, but it probably captures some of the tone pret-ty well. Anyway, it makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Here we go:
Stu, is this great or what? This is great Jay! It fuckin’ rocks to be here right now in San FRAN-CISCO!!! Give it up for these fans. Let’s hear the fans. Whoooooooooo! Hahaha. That’s right. We’re here in Dolores Park. Red Bull bringing it to us so hard right now with the Soapbox Derby in DOLOR-ES! Whooo! Let’s throw it down to my boy Shiboya. Shiboya! Wassuuuuuuuup?!
Yo, yo this is Shiboya here. Ha ha HAH! RED-Buuuuuuull!!! I’m on the ground here with Skeeter. Say wassup Skeeter. WASSUP!!! Hahaha. Skeeter’s here reppin’ Team ESPN College Gameday. Give it up, give it up! Lot of fans out here. Red Bull baby. Now Skeeter, I gotta ask, on a scale of 1-10, how well is your team gonna tear up this race here today?
A million! We are gonna fuckin’ uh…like, uh….tear it up! YEE-AH! Give it up!
Hahaha, aight Skeeter, aight. You heard it here, a million baby! Can’t wait to see this go down. Back to you Jay.
That was Shiboya with Team ESPN College Gameday. Wow. 1 million. That’s high. That’s a high number Stu, what do you think? Can they deliver? I don’t know Jay. It’s gonna be tough. Whenever we do the 1-10 question, we never get an answer below 12. So there’s some good competition out here. Red Bull brings it hard baby! Skeeter told us earlier he expects his car to reach 200 miles per hour. That’s fast. Wow. Can they do that Jay? Stu, I don’t know. Average speed has been about 16 so it’s a lot. It’s a lot. Here comes the skit. Let’s see what they got for us.
Alright alright! Here comes Skeeter. Whoa! Where did he get that blonde wig? Halloween stores look out! This guy is comin’ for yo’ wigs!!! Hahaha. Red Bull baby. What’s he doin’ now? Ooooh. Crackin’ a beer. They are shotgunning beers. Oh man. Insane. IN-SANE. Red Bull Soapbox Derby here in San Francisco. Keepin’ it real. Alright that was the skit. That was it. Don’t know how the judges will score that. Here they go.
That is one giant football racin’ down the street Stu. Yes it is Jay. The question is this Stu, are they gonna hit the jump? Are they gonna make it to the jump. Can they get there? To the jump. It’s all about the jump. Well the track is pretty straight. Everyone makes it to the jump. But I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s gonna be insane. Here they come. Heading for the jump. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand. WHOA!!! No way! Major air! Red Bull style air. Takin’ it up a notch. Wow Stu. That jump is about 1 foot higher than the rest of the street. Team College Game Day went about 6 inches before those front wheels hit the ground. IN-SANE AIR!
And here they come to the finish line. How are they gonna stop the car? This is gonna be crazy. Let’s see what happens. Let’s see what happens. They are comin’ in hot. And…45 seconds was the time. They’re slowing down. Slowing down. Turning left and right to slow things down. And they come to a smooth stop. Wow. Impressive. Wait! What’s this? Oh no! They’re tipping over! Tipping, tipping. Oh. That giant football just spiked itself! The fans are applauding. Some of them. That was crazy. Don’t know how the judges are gonna score that. 45 seconds. Good score. That puts them about 15th place. Team ESPN College Game Day layin’ it all out. Let’s give it back to Shiboya. Shiboyaaaaaa!!! Where you at?!
Hahaha. Yo yo this is Shiboya here. Crazy run right there. Give it up fans! SAN FRAN-CISCO!!! Whoooo. Hahaha. Red Bull bringin’ it to us all day long baby. Back to you Stu.
Thanks Shiboya. Jay, can you believe we’ve still got 34 more teams to go? I can’t Stu. I can’t believe it. Let’s give it up to our sponsors. Red Bull baby! And how ’bout these after parties. After parties goin’ off everywhere. Everywhere. Extreme Pizza in the Mission is gonna be off the chains. Thick and thin Pizza on 16th and market is already jumpin’ boyee. And how about Uncle Vino’s Pizza in Union Square, all you can eat croutons tonight. Alright Vino! Really throwin’ it down. Okay here we go. Next up is Team Cargo Shorts. Team Cargo Shorts. Come on fans, give it up for Cargo Shorts! Red Bull baby. GIVE! IT! UP!
So, that was a riot. Why’d Alex quit blogging? “I was tired of getting viagra comments (useful though they are!!!!!), so I decided to just take the whole thing down.” Smart.
[Photo of Storts by 3NRON] P.S. Busy weekend for Storts, right? Here he is on Sunday.
UPDATE: Check out this great shot by Erika:
It’s crack in a can, baby.
lol uncle vinos